Reasonable Insanity

Jacob Aron Tumblety walked into the room whistling, "Maybe," the tune from Annie. The room was his sixth grade homeroom, and the date was January 30th, 2174.

Jacob had green hair and red eyes. He walked with a limp. To hide it, he improvised a wild tic, thrashing his head from side to side as he moved. The limp was barely noticeable.

He took a seat in the back of the room and rested his elbows on the desk. His elbows were purple, and they complimented the orange skin of his arms beautifully. Purple elbows were a symbol of great wealth and power in those days. Can you imagine?

Jacob's shoes were fashioned from cotton candy. The blue kind. This was not a sign of great wealth and power. Jacob just liked the way they looked.

His belt was an uncommonly long string of peppermint licorice.

The bell rang. When I say the bell rang, I mean, of course, that a two-foot-tall architect stood in the doorway and screamed, "Okay," at the top of his lungs. The architect's name was Fred.

The teacher taught. The children learned. And so on and so on...

By noon, Jacob was thirsty. I mean really thirsty. Lunch wasn't for another hour. He raised his hand.

"Yes, Jacob?" said Miss Billingsly. Jacob stood like a good boy.

"I'm thirsty," said Jacob.

"And?" said Miss Billingsly.

"And I'd like a drink of water, please," said Jacob.

"And what color are the walls, Jacob?" said Miss Billingsly.

"Um," said Jacob. The walls were green. Jacob knew this. No one else seemed to.

"What color are the walls, Jacob?" said Miss Billingsly, her lips trembling.

"Green, Miss Billingsly," mumbled Jacob. The class gasped. Jacob's shoulders sank. Miss Billingsly frowned.

"Jacob Aron Tumblety, I will not tolerate this nonsense any longer!" said Miss Billingsly. "Sit back down and remain quiet until the lunch bell." By the lunch bell, Miss Billingsly meant Fred.

Can anyone help Jacob answer the question correctly?"

Janet Maslin raised her hand. She was not related to the famous movie critic.

"Yes, Janet," said Miss Billingsly kindly.

"The walls are white," said Janet.

"Thank you, Janet," said Miss Billingsly. "I'll be sure to mention this to your parents when we next meet."

Janet returned to her seat. She was gloating with her face.

The teacher taught. The children learned. And so on and so on...

By noon the next day, Jacob was thirsty. He was thirsty around noon every day.

He raised his hand. The class sighed.

"Yes, Jacob?" said Miss Billingsly. Jacob stood like a good boy.

"I'm thirsty," said Jacob.

"And?" said Miss Billingsly.

"And I'd like a drink of water, please," said Jacob.

"And what color are the walls, Jacob?" said Miss Billingsly.
"Um," said Jacob. The walls were green. Jacob knew this.

"What color are the walls, Jacob?" said Miss Billingsly, her lips trembling.

"The walls are white," said Jacob. The class gasped. Jacob's shoulders sank. Miss Billingsly looked confused. "Um," she said.

"May I have a drink of water, please," said Jacob.

"You certainly may," said Miss Billingsly, swelling with pride. She disappeared into the hall. Jacob's classmates turned to stare at him.

"Way to go," said his friend Roger Ebert. He was not related to the famous movie critic.

Miss Billingsly returned with a glass full of blue liquid and placed it on Jacob's desk.

"You've earned this," said Miss Billingsly. Everyone was watching.

"What is this, Miss Billingsly?" said Jacob. It smelled like Windex.

"Why, it's water," said Miss Billingsly, a confused look in her eyes.

"But..." said Jacob.

"But what?" said Miss Billingsly. "I thought you were thirsty, Jacob."

"I am, but..." said Jacob.

"That's enough, Jacob," said Miss Billingsly. "Drink up. We mustn't waste class time."

Jacob looked around the room at his friends. They were still staring. He gulped down the Windex. It was awful.

"That hit the spot," said Jacob.

Dedicated to everyone who never doubted that the walls were green.

Columbia University Updater: Volume 5, Issue 3, Late Spring, 2000