Existential Attorneys

There’s a man in England who has read all of Charles Dickens’ novels, excepting Our Mutual Friend. He claims he always wants the great Victorian writer’s last completed work on his shelf for a rainy day, that the weight of the world would be too much to bear without John Harmon and Lizzie Hexam to look forward to. Boloney! He’s a masochist.

That’s what I would have told you three years ago, but I’ve changed. I’m a new man. It seems I’ve kept a few things in my back pocket as well. I’ve never been to Roosevelt Island, for example. I have yet to see a movie in Bryant Park. And I’ve been here 29 years!

I just feel there’s a time and a place for everything, and the circumstances just haven’t been right for the Staten Island Ferry. The appropriate girl hasn’t presented herself either, for that matter.

I have, however, seen quite a few things in my time and place, many of them during my tour of duty at Columbia.

While waiting for a bus on 79th Street and 3rd Avenue, I was once attacked by a giant cellular phone. As it turns out, it was actually a person disguised as a phone (a sales gimmick, I’m told), but I was still offended. I punched him in the mute button.

Know what I mean?

I can’t promise that Manhattan will provide the same excitement for you, but if you play your cards right, you can have yourself a time, and maybe leave a chip or two in the old vault, so to speak. For example:

You can spend New Year’s Eve with 10,000 strangers on a 5K run through Central Park. The fireworks are on me.

You can see an opera at the Met. Here’s how: Buy orchestra standing room tickets for $16 apiece on Saturday for a weeknight opera. Stand for two acts, then wait at the exit and ask the deserters for their stubs. For your summer Puccini fix, grab a blanket and some champagne for one of the June performances in Central Park. Damn the mosquitoes.

You can kill time expertly at the Met (the other Met). Admission is free with a CUID.

By all means, catch a jazz show at the Village Vanguard or any one of New York’s other world-renowned clubs. What’s stopping you?

For setting your bones, there is no finer refuge than Saint Patrick’s Cathedral in Midtown. Remove your hat, please.

Speaking of cathedrals, take the 4 train to Yankee Stadium and give my regards to Yogi. Remember: 90% of Chemistry is physical, the other half’s mental.

I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life.

Here’s how you should live your life: Study a little. Pay attention a lot. You’re a postbacc, not a machine.

Did I mention the attorney? There’s a man who often rides the M79 crosstown bus. He carries a framed photograph with him of a young man in uniform. “I’m an attorney,” he tells his fellow travelers. “I was a handsome man.” He’s right. And I’d bet my boots he’s had himself a time, even if he’s never been to Roosevelt Island.

Columbia University Updater: Volume 6, Issue 1, Fall 2000